There are those times when we are asked which language we think we use to think, or the language our dreams are in when we are sleeping. Love really has an African context, especially romance. Marriage is the most conservative institution in the world; it has basically been the same since the Garden of Eden, and man’s attempt to reinvent it has ended in disaster. Every society in the world has customs that run the day and set the principles of marriage, which is a journey, and Africa is not unique to that.

Because of narratives, how romance and marriage are known keeps adopting new norms that take off really slowly. For example, in most African societies, the only time a couple holds hands in public is on their wedding day. These things put the younger generation in a spiral. If your love language is physical touch, which is very okay, it’s challenging because of how society will view you. We all know Africans are affectionate and intimate, but only at night and away from the public.

The rest of the world divides love into Eros, Philia, and Agape, but in Africa, in any language, love is love—always pure and based majorly on deep respect. It’s how our grandparents and those before them were able to fall in love with each other after they got married because of how the marriages worked back then.

In most African languages, the word for dating and courtship is close to “talking,” and that would happen after a whole intelligence report by elders is done on the parties that should settle. This was not unique to Africa; love as we know it was secondary, and marriages would last for generations.

It’s also not fully true that marriage in Africa was only for procreation; it was about companionship. The African words for singleness and loneliness are really heavy, and families and clans would be very concerned if they suspected that someone was enduring the agony of not having a companion.

Cultures are very much about symbolism; they are not written in stone, and over time they evolve. That applies to love and marriage. Today, the debate is on bride price, which sometimes logically looks like the slave trade or human commodification—cows for a womb to make the clan bigger. This happened across the globe. Today, we can move on, but we need to cling to the symbolism of honoring our backgrounds through logical, modest gifting that has zero implications on the financial future of the newlyweds.

Divorce in the African context was so expensive because it meant undoing many customs; in some instances, it even meant refunding the bride price. Africans claimed they stayed married for the sake of the children, something that needs a critical look because today, kids are barely in the picture.

At the end of the day, marrying for a reason doesn’t mean today we disregard all the small things that bring about the chemical reactions in our bodies that define love, even as Africans.